1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000
Thank you.

2
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,000
 APPLAUSE

3
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,000
 APPLAUSE

4
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,000
 In 1648, King Charles was in flight from the wrath of Chromewoman, his round heads.

5
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:17,000
 Only two men remained faithful, risking certain death by their fidelity to the crown.

6
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:20,000
 One was the sole descendant of a great historical English dynasty.

7
00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:22,000
 His name sir Edmund Blackheader.

8
00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:28,000
 The other was the sole descendant of an unfortunate meeting between a pig farmer and a bearded lady.

9
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,000
 This guy has owned Blackhead, forgotten his name.

10
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:35,000
 Oh Rick!

11
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,000
 Yes sir.

12
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:39,000
Oh, give me some mold ale, will you? I'm freezing.

13
00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:45,000
 As the King sir, how about as comfortable as can be expected from a man who's spending the winch

14
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:48,000
 on a black current bush?

15
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:50,000
 Do you think the round edge will find him?

16
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:57,000
 Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as a fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.

17
00:00:57,000 --> 00:01:01,000
 Is that true? Yes, of course it's true.

18
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:05,000
 Have you ever known me to lie to the King? Yes.

19
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:07,000
 No.

20
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:09,000
 I think so.

21
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:13,000
He is absolutely safe as long as you keep your fat mouth shut.

22
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,000
 You can trust me sir.

23
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:19,000
 I'm glad, Bordic, I'm off to answer the call of nature.

24
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:25,000
 It's by any free chance Oliver Cromwell drops in here for a cup of milk in the next 90 seconds.

25
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:30,000
 Remember, the King is not hiding here.

26
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,000
 Yes sir.

27
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,000
 Green sleeves is known.

28
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:39,000
 Good evening, Sikerson.

29
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:41,000
 I am Oliver Cromwell.

30
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:46,000
 My men have surrounded your house and I am looking for royal scum.

31
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,000
 Is the King hiding here?

32
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,000
 Um...

33
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,000
 No.

34
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:59,000
Unpain of death and damnation. Are you absolutely sure?

35
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:02,000
 Yes I am.

36
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:08,000
 I see. Well then, my proud beauty.

37
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:13,000
 You won't mind if my men come in from the cold, will you?

38
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:20,000
 Men, come in from the cold, will you? Now, we shall all have a cup of milk by your fireside.

39
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:25,000
 All right, but don't touch the purple cup. Why not? That's the King's.

40
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:29,000
 Thank you, Sikerson. You may leave me alone.

41
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:33,000
 I'm going to have a cup of milk.

42
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:37,000
 I'm going to have a cup of milk.

43
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:41,000
 I'm going to have a cup of milk.

44
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:45,000
Sikerson, you may leave me alone with King Charles.

45
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,000
 Mr. Cromwell, I'm delightful to see you again.

46
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,000
 Do you get up? Do you get up? Do you get me, um...

47
00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,000
 Have you come far?

48
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,000
 I have, sir.

49
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,000
 From country square to law protector of England.

50
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:00,000
 Fascinating.

51
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:01,000
 Absolutely fascinating.

52
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,000
 Do you get me...

53
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,000
 What exactly does a law protector do?

54
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,000
 He smells your doom, sir.

55
00:03:08,000 --> 00:03:13,000
 Wonderful. Well, that's particularly exciting, because so many people these days can't spill at all.

56
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:17,000
Particularly, as you know, in the inner cities, which is my area of interest.

57
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:22,000
 I'm a pretty sweet, sir. But all your fine words won't save you from the scaffold.

58
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,000
 Really good. This is anything. Carry on.

59
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:26,000
 A priest, sir.

60
00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:30,000
 To help you make your peace with God before you die.

61
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,000
 Ah, hello.

62
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:38,000
 You may just say, I'd arrange for certain monies to be paid to allow you to escape.

63
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:45,000
 Blackheader, your dress is a priest. How dangerous and stupid and perverted. It's just like school.

64
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:48,000
That's not fair, sir. This is a matter of life and death.

65
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:54,000
 Not just blackheader. I don't think there's a jury in England that would bring you in a verdict of guilty against me.

66
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,000
 Your Majesty, the verdict of the jury.

67
00:03:57,000 --> 00:04:01,000
 Two. What does it say? Guilty or not guilty?

68
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,000
 I'll give you two guesses.

69
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,000
 Not guilty.

70
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:08,000
 One more guess.

71
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:14,000
 Oh, damn.

72
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:22,000
 One measly civil war on the entire history of England, and I'm on the wrong bloody side.

73
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,000
 Something wrong, sir?

74
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:29,000
Yes, boldly. Yes, sir. It's time to realise if the king dies, we royalists to doom.

75
00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:33,000
 We'll enter a hideous age of puritanism, though close all the theatres.

76
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:36,000
 Late hanky chiefs for men will be illegal.

77
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:41,000
 And I will be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of blood.

78
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:48,000
 If they so much as suspect our loyalties, our property will be forfeit and we'll be for the chop.

79
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,000
 Oh, I love chops.

80
00:04:52,000 --> 00:05:00,000
 Maurek, your brain is like the foreheaded man-eating, had the fish beast of Aberdeen.

81
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,000
What why?

82
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,000
 It doesn't exist.

83
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:07,000
 Oh, God, what are we going to do?

84
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:10,000
 Down despair, sir, something will pop up.

85
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,000
 Not under puritanism, it won't.

86
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,000
 We must do something.

87
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:20,000
 We must do something, otherwise the black headers are as doomed as that ant.

88
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,000
 What ant?

89
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,000
 That one.

90
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:29,000
 So this is the day of execution of Charles the Fest.

91
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,000
 Absolutely not, your majesty.

92
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:37,000
 Those around head traitors have one final hurdle that they will never straddle.

93
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:40,000
 How fascinating. What is that exactly?

94
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:42,000
They will never find a man to behead you.

95
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:46,000
 They'd have had as a volunteer to cut crumbles head off, he's such a nuggly devil.

96
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:50,000
 He's got so many warts on his face, it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is the best.

97
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,000
 And they will never find a man to execute you.

98
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:56,000
 Well, you see, I find that absolutely tragic.

99
00:05:56,000 --> 00:06:00,000
 You know, there are so many young people who would leap at the chance like that.

100
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:04,000
 You know, they all in, he just initiates somehow.

101
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:08,000
I suppose in a sense that's what my warts scheme is all about.

102
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,000
 Really?

103
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,000
 Yes.

104
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,000
 On the other hand, of course I did want my head cut off.

105
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:15,000
 It's a question of balance, isn't it? Like so many things.

106
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,000
 Shut up with the greatest respect, your majesty.

107
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,000
 They will never find an executioner.

108
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:24,000
 And if they do, may my conjugal dipstick turn into a tennis racket.

109
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:29,000
 A missance for the king.

110
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:35,000
 Ah.

111
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:44,000
 He's a twig on in the tail.

112
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,000
 He does!

113
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:48,000
 Stop that, Borgic.

114
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,000
It's Banderf having one's life, and that's a ruin.

115
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:57,000
 Well, that being serenaded by a moron with all the entertainment value of a tap dancing oyster.

116
00:06:57,000 --> 00:07:02,000
 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I can't help it. See, I've just had a little windfall.

117
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:07,000
 Borgic, I've told you before, if you're going to do that, go into the garden.

118
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,000
 I mean, I've come into some money.

119
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,000
 Really? Family inheritance.

120
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,000
 No, I ate that ages ago.

121
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,000
 Of course, your thoughtful father bequeathed you a turnip.

122
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:22,000
No, it was £50, actually. It was delicious.

123
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,000
 But this is just a little something that fell in my lap.

124
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:29,000
 Not the first time that there's been a little something in your lap, Borgic.

125
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:32,000
 No, but this one is a job.

126
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:34,000
 Really? I just don't understand it.

127
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:38,000
 Where on earth did they find a man so utterly without heart and soul?

128
00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:45,000
 So, no degraded has to accept the job of beheading the king of England.

129
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:52,000
 Borgic.

130
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,000
 That little job that fell into your lap.

131
00:07:56,000 --> 00:08:02,000
It wasn't a bionic chance. Something to do with an axe, a basket, a little black mask in the king of England.

132
00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:03,000
 No.

133
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,000
 Go on.

134
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,000
 I can't find a basket.

135
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:09,000
 You very small, total bastard.

136
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:14,000
 Oh, please, sir, don't kill me. I have a cunning plan to save the king.

137
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,000
 Well, forgive me if I don't do a card wheel of joy.

138
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:23,000
 Your family's record in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as stumpy oleg muck-no-legs,

139
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,000
 personal best in the market harbour of marathon.

140
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:30,000
All right, what's the plan?

141
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,000
 A pumpkin is going to save the king.

142
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:42,000
 Ah, but over here I have one that I prepared earlier.

143
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:48,000
 I will balance it on the king's head like this.

144
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:56,000
 Then I will cover his real head with a cloak and then when I execute him instead of cutting off his real head,

145
00:08:56,000 --> 00:09:00,000
 I will cut off the pumpkin and the king survives.

146
00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:05,000
 I'm not sure it's going to work, Bordett.

147
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,000
 Why not?

148
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,000
 Because once you've cut it off, you have to hold it up in front of the crowd and say,

149
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,000
"This is the head of a traitor."

150
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:17,000
 At which point they will shout back, "No, it's not. It's a large pumpkin with a pathetic moustache."

151
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:20,000
 I suppose it's not 100% convincing.

152
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,000
 It's not 1% convincing.

153
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:27,000
 However, I'm a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment.

154
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,000
 Here's my fist kindly run towards it as fast as I can.

155
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,000
 I just don't understand it.

156
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,000
 What possessed you to take the job?

157
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:43,000
 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It was just a wild silly foolish plan.

158
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:49,000
I thought with the money I got from executing the king, I could sneak out and buy a brand new king

159
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:54,000
 when no one was looking and popping back on the throne without anyone noticing.

160
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:58,000
 Your head is as empty as a unix underpants.

161
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,000
 You do anything for 30 pieces of silver, wouldn't you?

162
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:06,000
 It was £1,000 actually, sir, plus tip.

163
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:11,000
 Well, I suppose somebody's got to do it, haven't they?

164
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:15,000
 And if it's going to be done, it's got to be done in a single stroke by someone who actually owns an axe.

165
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:19,000
We don't want you hacking away to it all afternoon with that cheap penmife of yours.

166
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:23,000
 I guess I'm embarrassing to have King Charles stagging around Hampton Court tomorrow morning

167
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,000
 with his neck flapping like a fissus peel on his son.

168
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:31,000
 Sir, you don't mean... I'm doing it. Let me or cost you.

169
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:34,000
 Then go immediately to the king and inform him that Sir Edmund Blackout

170
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,000
 I cannot be with him tomorrow.

171
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:41,000
 And make sure you think up a bloody good excuse.

172
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,000
 So, that's why he can't be here. Sorry.

173
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,000
I see. I quite understand. He is.

174
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:54,000
 Sir, the moment is arrived. Are you ready to meet your maker?

175
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:58,000
 Well, I'm always absolutely fascinated to meet people from all walks of life.

176
00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:02,000
 But he is particularly manufacturing industry.

177
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:06,000
 Well, then, have a quick walk and talk with your executioner. And let's get on with it.

178
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,000
 Right.

179
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:14,000
 Well, I'm sorry, my friend. I'm alone here today.

180
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:19,000
 I had hoped that my good loyal chums, Sir Edmund Blackout,

181
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:26,000
would be here with me, but unfortunately his wife's sister's puppy fell into the strawberry pet.

182
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:31,000
 So, naturally he can't be with us.

183
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:34,000
 All I can do is bid you do your duty well.

184
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:37,000
 Well, thank you, Your Majesty.

185
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,000
 And may I say how much I mourn for your lot.

186
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:44,000
 And bid you remember others before you who have died unjustly.

187
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:46,000
 I think you actually agreed solid from that.

188
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:49,000
 Sir Thomas Moore, for instance, a great generous man to the last.

189
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:53,000
 He apparently tipped his executioner handsomely.

190
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:57,000
Oh, I'm just sorry. I thought service was included. I beg your pardon.

191
00:11:57,000 --> 00:12:00,000
 Here you are.

192
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:03,000
 And then there was the Earl of Essex.

193
00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:04,000
 What's that?

194
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:10,000
 A truly great man. They still sing his famous ballad down the Chebstoam.

195
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,000
 What ballad is that?

196
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:15,000
 The Earl, he had a thousand sovereigns. Hey, nonny-no.

197
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:19,000
 He gave them all away to the man with the axe.

198
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,000
 Oh.

199
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,000
 A thousand sovereigns.

200
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:25,000
 Well, you can't take it with you, Your Majesty.

201
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,000
 Be true. Well, there you are.

202
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,000
 You keep the change.

203
00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,000
Thank you, Your Majesty. Right.

204
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:31,000
 Should we go?

205
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,000
 Just a f***ing move.

206
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,000
 That voice says a strangely familiar ring.

207
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,000
 And say, "Is that finger?"

208
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,000
 B***g.

209
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,000
 Hello, Your Majesty.

210
00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,000
 You cunning swine.

211
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,000
 Yes, well, uh, uh...

212
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:57,000
 Lovely, splendid. You duped Cormwell and you concocted a cunning plan to help me and my infant son escape to France.

213
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:59,000
 Ah, yes, that's right.

214
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,000
 Yes.

215
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:04,000
 So, let's put your cunning plan into operation straight away.

216
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:06,000
 Yes, let's.

217
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,000
 Uh...

218
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,000
 Well, you start the ball rolling.

219
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,000
After you. Right, yes.

220
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,000
 Oh, yes.

221
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,000
 Yes, right. And it's a very good plan.

222
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:22,000
 It's a staggering bowl-shatteringly good plan.

223
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:25,000
 Is the king ready?

224
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,000
 Come, Your Majesty.

225
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,000
 (Laughter)

226
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:45,000
 (Cheering)

227
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,000
 This is the head of a traitor.

228
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,000
 (The head of a traitor.)

229
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,000
 (The head of a traitor.)

230
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:55,000
 (The head of a traitor.)

231
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:59,000
 Oh, yes, so it is. Sorry. I'll try again.

232
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,000
 (The head of a traitor.)

233
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:07,000
 (Cheering)

234
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,000
 Well, sir, I can't say you didn't try.

235
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:17,000
Now, the future of the British monarchy lies fast asleep in your arms in the person of this infant prince.

236
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:21,000
 And with the money you've earned, you and he can escape to France.

237
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,000
 Oh, quite.

238
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:29,000
 On the other hand, you can stay here, and as a known loyalist, the round-heads will come and cut your head off.

239
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,000
 Exactly, Borgic.

240
00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,000
 Oh, my God.

241
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,000
 Oh, no! We're surrounded.

242
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,000
 What do we do?

243
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:40,000
 Well, at times like this, Borgic, there is no choice for a man of honor.

244
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,000
He must stand and fight and die in defense of his future sovereigns.

245
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:53,000
 Of course, it may, I'm not a man of honor.

246
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:58,000
 Thank God you come. Seize the royalist scum!

247
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:05,000
 (Cheering)

248
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:09,000
 And just £3000 will...

249
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:19,000
 [BLANK_AUDIO]